Confidence! Why You Need It, Why You May Lack It, and How to Get It!

Confidence. Self-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. Self-confident people trust their own abilities, have a general sense of control in their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they wish, plan, and expect. Having self-confidence does not mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People who are not self-confident depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don’t feel they have to conform in order to be accepted.

Confidence is an extremely imperative characteristic to have in the work place. It is essential to have if one wants to achieve success in their field of work. It is especially essential to have in a job that involves sales, interviewing, training, and taking on new responsibilities. However, some people lack confidence. Even some of the people who appear very confident go through ebbs and flows of self-confidence. Where does lack of confidence come from, and how can you overcome it? Below are ten helpful steps separated into two phases…

 

Phase #1: Eliminating Self-doubt

Building self-confidence is a two-phase process. The first phase involves purging yourself of self-doubt; in the second, you build up your confidence. It’s like erecting a skyscraper: First you clear the site and lay a solid foundation, then you stack the superstructure. How high you go--how much confidence you muster--is up to you. Here's a 10-step plan.

 

Step 1. Understand Its Origins

Self-doubt crept into your system as a baby. As toddlers, we all looked at the power our folks had and thought: “Gotta be like them.” This wish isn’t the problem; putting our parents on pedestals is. It’s complex, but from the moment we crave power akin to what we feel our parents have, we continually contrast our sense of self with our ego ideal---an imagined, perfect self, derived from our image of our “super-powerful" parents. Since no one can live up to the standards set by ego ideals, we spend the rest of our lives (to greater or lesser degrees), plagued by doubt. This is irrational, of course, but true.

 

Step 2. Accept It

There’s a school of psychotherapy---called “acceptance therapy”---based on the insight that admitting you suffer from a problem reduces the distress it can cause. (Conversely, denying the existence of a problem, or beating yourself up for having a flaw, is always debilitating.) Everyone, even superstars, feels like a fake or failure at times. We all have imperfections. Recognizing that those whom you admire most have them, too, is the trick.

 

Step 3. Fess Up

You're probably not done with Step 2 yet. Chances are that real acceptance won't kick in without sharing your anxiety with someone you trust. Think you’ll flub a presentation? Give one to friends. Doubt you command respect? Ask someone you admire (but don’t report to) if all is okay. Worst case is that whomever you confide in will give you negative feedback that you can use to improve. Admitting what plagues you (and then learning that others feel the same way) will help you realize that while self-doubt is vexing, no one dies from it.

 

Step 4. Look At The Facts

If a claustrophobic person gets stuck in an elevator, it's hard for them to focus on the certainty that, any minute now, it will be moving again. Fear and panic simply take over. The same tendency is true with self-doubt, but unlike with claustrophobia, a few hard facts can help. Example: If you've been promoted somewhat recently, remind yourself why you were tapped. Make a list of all your valuable skills and accomplishments. Read them aloud if you have to. But--and this important--don't lean on a prepackaged pep talk, a la the old Stuart Smalley character on "Saturday Night Live." False self-praise will do more damage than self-doubt.

 

Phase #2:

Step 5. Know That Nothing Is Inherently Threatening

Boosting Self-confidence
If possession is nine-tenths of the law, then perception is 100% of the truth. A dreadful event can be made manageable if you tell yourself you have the stuff to cope with it. Remember that.

 

Step 6. Confront Your Fear...

Okay, for most people, that last Jedi mind trick isn't enough. Fear, no matter its source, is a formidable adversary. That's why you have to pick a fight with it. William Jennings Bryan claimed, “The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.” Setbacks are inevitable--suck it up. Resilience is the steel skeleton of self-confidence.

 

Step 7. ...But Choose Your Battles

Specifically, this means taking on challenges that are egosyntonic--that’s shrink-speak for behaviors and feelings that match your view of who you are. It is much easier to boost self-confidence by confronting challenges of your choosing than by tackling what someone else tells you to do. If you pick the battles you engage in because you believe in their aims, your self-confidence will increase along with your winning percentage.

 

Step 8. Once You Master Something, Stretch

Nothing erodes self-confidence like shooting fish in a barrel. Add more challenge to every task you tackle and your self-confidence will grow in lockstep. Level off for too long and you'll be on the slick slope to burnout.

 

Step 9. Never Solicit What You Hope Will Be Confidence-boosting Feedback

“How am I doin’?” may a good question for politicians to ask their constituents, but it’s a bad question for those looking to boost confidence---mainly because it smacks of insecurity and probably won't lead to honest feedback.

 

Step 10. Beware Hubris

In all things, too much is no good. That goes for self-confidence, too. Believe in yourself--just don't be a jerk about it.

 

Confidence is a key characteristic to have no matter what path you take in life. You may have it most of the time and lack it sometimes (for reasons you can't quite figure out), or you may lack it  most of time. However, it is never too late to understand your own origins of low self-confidence. Make it a priority to for yourself to figure out these origins and to attack them so you can approach any goal, activity, action, and career with confidence!